He-Man was a huge part of any 80s boy’s childhood. We watched the cartoon, we ate the jelly sweets (see here) and most importantly we collected the toys. Some of them were awesome, like Man-E-Faces or Stratos. Some were mediocre like Beast Man with his weird blue eye shadow. Others were just batshit crazy.
Here is a short list of the 5 worst figures that came from that classic toy line. My opinion obviously. Which is right.
1. Clamp Champ
He has a clamp and by god is he a champ at using it. Firstly, no real thought has gone into the design of this other than it being one of a handful of non-white figures in the line. It’s a fairly generic figure with a massive, impractical clamp on the hand. Also champ is a patronising term used to pick up the spirits of a child who has played poorly on the football team. ‘You did your best out there champ. Better luck with your clamping next time. Have you thought about using a smaller clamp?’
Add ‘ar’ to the end and anything can sound futuristic and exciting. Paint rollar…see? I want one.
The gimmick to this figure was that you could pull out his arms, legs and neck to extend the figure to be a little bit taller. Useful to help He-Man see over that fence that is slightly too tall. It says on the packaging that he is the TALLEST HEROIC WARRIOR EVER. Not a battle worthy boast Extendar. Just makes you more of a target. Long necked idiot.
3. Rio Blast
What kind of name for a hero is that? He also looks like someone’s Dad doing Masters of the Universe cosplay but not really understanding the concept of the show. ‘It’s like a space sheriff thing right? Crossed with the Village People?’
He is essentially a man made of guns, something that doesn’t fit into the kid friendly world of Eternia. And why does the Eternia barber feel the need to hide everyone’s ears? What’s going on with their ears?
4. Moss Man
‘Who’s a popular character?’
‘Beast Man is really popular.’
‘What if we covered him in fuzzy felt?’
That right there was the creative process behind this figure. He felt (pun definitely intended) nice to the touch though. Not in a weird way. He looks like an un-ripened Beast Man. Give him a couple of days or you’ll get a tum tum ache.
5. Prince Adam
We watched the cartoon for Prince Adam didn’t we? Didn’t we? No, we didn’t. Everyone hated Prince Adam and nobody wanted a figure of him. Don’t say that you did because you didn’t. Getting this figure at Christmas would be the equivalent of getting a Clark Kent figure.
‘But he has all of Superman’s powers son.’
‘Yeah, but he’s wearing a suit Mum.’
‘He has the superpower to hold down a steady job. Something to think about as you get older.’
'Being a grown up sounds rubbish Mum. I'm never growing up!'
I was kind of right.
Prince Adam didn’t even have powers in that form. He was a powerless He-Man in a pink vest. What a tit!
Written by Mark