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Episode 254 - Portal of Evil part 10

Jul 10, 2024

 

An annoying forest woman with a stupid voice wants us to unbuckle our weapon and pay a visit to her messy garden. That's the show note.

Episode 253 - Portal of Evil part 9

Jul 3, 2024

 

After last week's action-packed episode, we wait around for some men and discuss the merits of mining licences. If you're lucky, we might have a look in a tree. 

 

Episode 252 - Portal of Evil part 8

Jun 26, 2024

 

After letting a long sinewy appendage writhe all over us, we find ourselves challenging a dwarf to a pickaxe handle fight. Which is definitely worse than just using a whole pickaxe.

Episode 251 - Portal of Evil part 7

Jun 19, 2024

 

We're tossing coins willy-nilly, looking for a wizard for a reason we can't remember, and only finding people who are pretending not to be wizards.   

Episode 250 - Portal of Evil part 6

Jun 12, 2024

 

There's a ghostly ladder that's DEFINITELY intangible. The previous paragraph made a point of confirming it wasn't there. Our sword passed through it, remember? Shall we climb it then? OF COURSE!  

Episode 249 - Portal of Evil part 5

Jun 5, 2024

 

After saving him from a giant SPIDER, we feed an elderly goblin and find out what he keeps in his jerkin. The answer might surprise you!   

Episode 248 - Portal of Evil part 4

May 29, 2024

 

A camp full of untrained fighters needed our help, so we honourably stuck around to defend them. And all it took was for their leader to literally beg us, and for our listeners to make the final decision for us.

Episode 247 - Portal of Evil part 3

May 22, 2024

 

We start a new investigation into the missing miners and the portal of evil, as we find that elves are now dinosaurs, dwarves are now humans, cats and dogs are living together... mass hysteria.  

Episode 246 - Portal of Evil part 2

May 15, 2024

 

The Tramp of Marching Feet is on his way, so we're going to hang around and see what he wants, whilst sticking our hands into whatever we like.   

Episode 245 - Portal of Evil part 1 LIVE!

May 8, 2024

 

There's gold in them there hills, and also dinosaurs. We set off on a new adventure to discover the mystery of Kleinkastel, and we bring a LIVE audience with us to decide how we do it.    

Episode 244 - Armies of Death part 6

Apr 24, 2024

 

Bobby Axeman's army marches on, poking their noses in wherever they feel like in their quest to reunite an estranged couple, and maybe kill a demon in the process if there's time, we'll see.   

Episode 243 - Armies of Death part 5

Apr 17, 2024

 

We meet a new Axeman and a new Captain, as we continue to try to get an army to Zengis to fight a demon or something. More importantly, we need to get a family back together, and we're not going to let something like the rules of the book get in the way.

Episode 242 - Armies of Death part 4

Apr 10, 2024

 

We're looking for Big Richard Axeman in all the wrong places. Like barrels. Still, probably better than going into a sewer. I bet the sewers are full of nasty things, but a barrel probably won't have a monster in it or anything.

Episode 241 - Armies of Death part 3

Apr 3, 2024

 

Buy a talking familiar, or buy a "special" creature? When you're in a Fantasy Made Up Medieval Times pet shop, this is the kind of quandary you find yourself faced with. As well as "will the shopkeeper just do some magic on me and rob me whatever I decide?" 

Episode 240 - Armies of Death part 2

Mar 27, 2024

 

We're about to be rammed by pirates, which is probably a bad thing...? But we're not going to surrender or run away, mostly because our listeners made the decision for us.    

Episode 239 - Armies of Death part 1 LIVE!

20/03/24

 

With a complement of soldiers at our disposal, and definitely NO provisions, we set sail for adventure in front a LIVE Discord audience! It's a new book with new rules to get wrong, as we begin our slow march towards the Armies of Death!    

Episode 238 - Daggers of Darkness part 6

06/03/24

 

We've been offered some dodgy drinks from two weirdos in a pub. Better drink at least one of them, otherwise we'd look rude. It's down to the wire in this episode, with a ticking clock of poisoned body parts and only 6 STAMINA remaining...      

     

Episode 237 - Daggers of Darkness part 5
02/28/2024

We head to a trading post where the trading situation is unclear, follow clues based on notes we've actually taken, and see the return of a running joke which is now 400% more disgusting.

Episode 236 - Daggers of Darkness part 4
02/21/2024

We go to the aid of a shuffling person who's falling over. But will we be rewarded or punished for our good deed? And will their name and/or title be more suited to some kind of experimental musical group? Yes, the answer is definitely yes. 

Episode 235 - Daggers of Darkness part 3
02/14/2024

Orcs everywhere, and no sign of any of the medallions we're looking for. The only thing that might cheer us up is a singing Dwarf, but the chances of meeting one are so low I don't know why I've even mentioned it.

Episode 234 - Daggers of Darkness part 2
02/07/2024

We roll the dice to see how well we roll some dice, as we find ourselves at a fair full of games that are probably not regulated by any recognised authority. Remember, Take Time To Think, and When The Fun Stops, Stop! 

Episode 233 - Daggers of Darkness part 1 LIVE!
01/31/2024

We start a new book with a live episode full of disgusting accidents and technical problems. Mark's angry, Martyn's stupid, and everything goes wrong. Maybe give this one a miss, I'm sure we'll do a recap next time...

Episode 232 - Stealer of Souls part 9
01/24/2024

There are colourful passages and even more colourful descriptions as the final battle looms on our quest to kill Mordraneth, the Stealer of Souls! But there's only one colour all over these passages by the end of this super-sized finale...

Episode 231 - Stealer of Souls part 8
01/17/2024

There's a series of increasingly suggestive passages (corridors) to choose from, and there's probably an evil wizard at the other end of one of them. Or maybe there will just be more passages (corridors). Either option is probably equally exciting.

Episode 230 - Stealer of Souls part 7
01/10/2024

Rescue a naked old man or fight a massive half-ogre? We'll take our chances with the half-ogre, and hope the naked old man doesn't turn out to be anyone important. And also hope he puts some clothes on.

Episode 229 - Stealer of Souls part 6
12/20/2023

If you kill a dark priest and some orcs, you should definitely rob their corpses and wear any jewellery they're carrying. They don't need it any more, and you'll look fabulous with no repercussions I expect.   

Episode 228 - Stealer of Souls part 5
12/13/2023

When you haven't picked up any of the useful items the book teases you about, your only option is to break stuff. Doors, bones, hearts and private parts... at least some of these things get broken in this episode. 

 
Episode 227 - Stealer of Souls part 4
12/06/2023

There's a stone statue which is made of stone, and and it wants something we haven't got, so we're going to fight it, despite the fact that it's made of stone. What a silly book.

Episode 226 - Stealer of Souls part 3
11/29/2023

Don't go into that trapdoor... You're a fool if you dare! Stay away from that trapdoor...'Cos there's something down there!

Episode 225 - Stealer of Souls part 2
11/22/2023

It's all insensitive stereotypes and daytime TV references this week, as we rate the local accommodation and find ourselves property hunting in fantasy made-up medieval times. 

Episode 224 - Stealer of Souls part 1 LIVE
11/15/2023

It's a new book so it's a LIVE episode, as we get sent to rescue a wizard from the Isle of Despair. But don't worry, it's just a name. What I mean is that the Isle of Despair is actually a peninsula.

Episode 223 - Sky Lord part 5
11/08/2023

We start off responding to a weak distress signal and end up playing snooker, as Sky Lord finally starts getting good. And by good, we mean proper mental.  

Episode 222 - Sky Lord part 4
10/25/2023

We go looking for a village, find a dubious alley, and end up with a space STD from a sprite. Just another day reading children's books for a podcast. 

 
Episode 221 - Sky Lord part 3
10/18/2023

SPACE WEED sounds like something a mental billionaire would try to convince you is cool. But we're being attacked by it, so hopefully it'll end up the same as everything else mental billionaires like; doomed to fail and go on fire. 

Episode 220 - Sky Lord part 2
10/11/2023

We head spaceward once more with a newly re-christened starship and most of the same options from last episode. Not going to lie, this one is a lot less fun. Unless you like word documents.  

Episode 219 - Sky Lord part 1 LIVE
10/04/2023

This episode has space combat, mutants, as many arms as you can imagine, and more "oids" than you ever thought possible. We're starting mental sci-fi adventure Sky Lord, and we're joined by the hardcore Patreon CoDpieces in a super-sized LIVE special!

Episode 218 - Slaves of the Abyss part 8
09/27/2023

We've got a bag full of leaves and some questionable cutlery, and we've learned what a palanquin is, so we're fully prepared to take on a load of hornets and also anything else that stands in our way probably.

Episode 217 - Slaves of the Abyss part 7
09/20/2023

You told us to avoid a troll, who's definitely doing something interesting which is probably important. I wonder what the troll is doing now. I bet it would have been good, and wouldn't have involved eating a hedgehog.

 
Episode 216 - Slaves of the Abyss part 6
09/13/2023

We search for an enchanter, ride a horse at a canter, and find a man covered in ants-ARGH!

 
Episode 215 - Slaves of the Abyss part 5
09/06/2023

A woman covered herself in slime and hid in a cupboard because a wizard said she should, and we take on the fantasy medieval made-up times equivalent of the pepsi challenge. How have you managed without this podcast? 

Episode 214 - Slaves of the Abyss part 4
08/02/2023

An old man was scamming us for money and food, and you bunch of suckers voted for us to help him. Doing the decent thing? It’s like you lot don’t even know us…

Episode 213 - Slaves of the Abyss part 3
07/26/2023

Don't go north, don't go east... Death (with a capital D) lies in every direction. Stay in Kallameeeehhhhrr...? Who even knows any more...  

Episode 212 - Slaves of the Abyss part 2
07/19/2023

Don't go north apparently. Ok, sure, but what if, and hear me out... we go north...?

Episode 211 - Slaves of the Abyss part 1
07/12/2023

It's a new book with a problematic title, as Mark faces invasions to the north and new threats from the east, as well as the looming terror of potential orgies. Maybe give this one a miss, just to be safe...?

Episode 210 - Battleblade Warrior part 7
07/05/2023

We're surrounded by LIZARDMEN, and only fans of the podcast won't twitch at the disturbing antics on display in this episode.

Episode 209 - Battleblade Warrior part 6
06/28/2023

We've spent six episodes reading this book, and it finally looks like we're going to run into the monster from the cover. That'll be exciting, right? Right? RIGHT?!

 
Episode 208 - Battleblade Warrior part 5
06/21/2023

We deal with our hatred of the most repulsive creatures we've ever seen by fighting the most repulsive creature we've ever seen, in our most cleverly satirical episode to date. 

Episode 207 - Battleblade Warrior part 4
06/14/2023

We put the "fun" into "funeral," the "shame" into "shaman," and the "orc" into "awkward." Those last two don't really work written down, so why not get someone else to read this out to you?

Episode 206 - Battleblade Warrior part 3
06/07/2023

What's the difference between a pony and a sabre-toothed tiger? Well if you don't know, I don't want to go horse riding with you!

Episode 205 - Battleblade Warrior part 2
05/24/2023

Lizard Man Champion? Lizard Man CHUMP-ion we call him. Not to his face though. He's got four arms! 

 
Episode 204 - Battleblade Warrior part 1
05/17/2023

Exciting times as we start a new book! In this one, we play an ordinary, normal person who's chosen by a magical being to go on a quest. For a change. 

Episode 203 - Chasms of Malice part 4
05/10/2023

Being an assistant rabbit-skinner in Gorak is a dangerous career path. One day you're helping skin rabbits, the next you're handed a magic sword and a cat and told to go and kill a load of magic monsters. 

Episode 202 - Chasms of Malice part 3
05/03/2023

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, losing stamina and skill points, no provisions help me heal.  Repetition is funny, right?  

Episode 201 - Chasms of Malice part 2
04/26/2023

The tunnels (corridors) in the Chasms of Malice are full of cyphers and riddles designed for children, so two grown men should be able to solve them easily. If you've never listened before, you might believe that. 

Episode 200 - Chasms of Malice part 1 LIVE
04/19/2023

We've reached a big round episode number, so it's time to read a book and roll some dice with a live internet audience again! Bad stat rolling... LIVE! Rule breaking... LIVE! Dick mushing... LIVE! We know what you like.  

Episode 199 - Midnight Rogue part 9
03/29/2023

In this episode we battle a FOOTPAD, in front of some other FOOTPADS, after finding out what the hell a FOOTPAD is. 

Episode 198 - Midnight Rogue part 8
03/22/2023

The book said we had to go back to the beginning, but we kept all our rolls, gold and equipment. No-one said we were wrong, so it's time to get twice as much stuff before failing twice as hard.   

 
Episode 197 - Midnight Rogue part 7
03/15/2023

We cave in to peer pressure and finally get on with the story, but the story has other ideas. Stupid smelly old book!

Episode 196 - Midnight Rogue part 6
03/08/2023

"Choose three skills," says the book.  "Great," we reply, "will they be helpful in our adventure?" "Phhh. Probably...?" the book shrugs. Books lie.

 
Episode 195 - Midnight Rogue part 5
03/01/2023

If you shimmy up a drainpipe you should be prepared to deal with the consequences, which in this case involve badly-written paragraphs and vague instructions. No wonder kids never played these things properly.  

 
Episode 194 - Midnight Rogue part 4
02/22/2023

After playing a slow game of knifey-knifey stab hand in the tavern it’s time to head to the Merchant’s Guild, which sounds much safer and definitely probably might not lead to any fights with monsters or existential crises.  

 
Episode 193 - Midnight Rogue part 3
02/15/2023

After Martyn's disastrous run-in with dogs and servants, Mark dons the jerkin of the Midnight Rogue. But as soon as he puts the jerkin on, will he want to take the jerkin off?

Episode 192 - Midnight Rogue part 2
02/01/2023

More apprentice parallels this week, as we try our best to be creative but are let down by our own limited understanding of the situation, and the outcome was decided before we even started the task.

Episode 191 - Midnight Rogue part 1
01/25/2023

Being an apprentice for the Thieves' Guild is a lot like being an apprentice for Alan Sugar. It feels like you're working towards a goal, but really it's just hours of pointless busywork before you randomly win or lose.

Episode 190 - Phantoms of Fear part 6
01/18/2023

How much wood would a Wood Elf elf, if a Wood Elf could elf wood? That makes about as much sense as anything else that happens in this episode.

Episode 189 - Phantoms of Fear part 5
01/11/2023

He’s got legs, he knows how to use them, Newly grown legs, he knows how to choose them, Runs into Bhorkets, wonder how to fight them, Would you get behind them if you could only find them? 

Episode 188 - Phantoms of Fear part 4
01/04/2023

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head, And just like the guy whose body's gone and left for dead, Roll into a cave, Those raindrops are fallin' on my limbs, and my torso, Because they're gone, My head is no longer on... 

Episode 187 - Phantoms of Fear part 3
12/21/2022

Stars shining bright above you, Tree Devils seem to whisper "I'll blind you," They'll pierce your eyes so you'll never see, Dream a little dream of me...

Episode 186 - Phantoms of Fear part 2
12/14/2022

Wood Elves won't eat meat as they find it morally reprehensible. But they will happily slaughter any woodland creature who so much as gives them a funny look. DON'T EAT THEM, JUST MURDER THEM! That's the Wood Elf way. 

 
Episode 185 - Phantoms of Fear part 1
12/07/2022

We go deep into the woods and even deeper into the subconscious mind, as we explore the dreams of a wood elf wandering around a forest in Phantoms of Fear.

Episode 184 - Star Strider part 6
11/30/2022

We're trying to save the president but we're running out of space-future-time units and being forced to try to read a map. We all know how this one's going to end, right? 

Episode 183 - Star Strider part 5
11/23/2022

Dodgy dealers, disastrous driving and disgusting droids hamper our progress this week as we face off against several slippery customers. Really slippery. Unnecessarily slippery.

Episode 182 - Star Strider part 4
11/16/2022

In this episode we fight a charging ROBO-BULL, a paper-pushing ADMINDROID, and a maths puzzle made for lonely ten year olds. Guess which one causes the most pain to two men in their forties...

Episode 181 - Star Strider part 3
11/09/2022

Fresh off a victory against the legendary Kinta Lopsti, we head to see the Houlgans in search of Jose 90. This is all real stuff someone wrote in a book. And people bought it. 

Episode 180 - Star Strider part 2
11/02/2022

Martyn picks up a Catchman and jumps on a Silverhound, looking for trouble with every lazily-written, plagiarised and barely-concealed alien race in this robo-sector of the space-future-rocket-galaxy. 

Episode 179 - Star Strider part 1
10/26/2022

It’s time to go to the space future again as Mark becomes a Bounty Hunter, or a Rogue Tracer, or a Star Strider, or maybe all three. So prepare for zipcars instead of horses, and robots instead of goblins. See, it’s different.

Episode 178 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 6
10/19/2022

Chameleonites to the left of us, Rad-Hulks to the right, here we are, stuck having another go at this book. Democracy won, so we're trying again. But will we reach the Crypt of the Sorcerer? 

Episode 177 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 5
10/12/2022

Low on stamina and high on stolen armour, Mark is ready to face whatever enemies the Crypt of the Sorcerer can throw at him. He came here to drink tots of health potion and kick ass, but he's all out of tots. 

Episode 176 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 4
10/05/2022

Martyn’s a werewolf now, so Mark has to step up and continue looking for whatever it was we were supposed to be looking for in the Crypt of the Sorcerer.

Episode 175 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 3
09/28/2022

We grab our rod in the woods, which is less fun than it sounds. Or more fun, your mileage may vary. Either way, there's cause "fur" concern, and Martyn may not live to tell the "tail..."

Episode 174 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 2
09/14/2022

We continue reading the Crypt of the Sorcerer, the only fantasy book ever written containing magic rings, tree people, and thinly disguised problematic racist stereotypes. 

Episode 173 - Crypt of the Sorcerer part 1 LIVE
09/07/2022

We’re back from our break and we’re DOING IT LIVE, as we crack open the Crypt of the Sorcerer in front of a streaming YouTube crowd of people-with-nothing-better-to-do.

Episode 172 - Marvel Super Heroes: City In Darkness part 2
07/27/2022

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Giving heart attacks is his plan, Late for meetings, every time, Barely bothers fighting crime, Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man! 

 
Episode 171 - Marvel Super Heroes: City In Darkness part 1
07/20/2022

Excelsior True Believers! We take a short break from Fighting Fantasy and try out a different gamebook series, as Mark becomes a web-slinging wonder in 1986 New York City who really needs those condensers. 

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