Blogs are for over sharing, I think we have established that on this site. So with that in mind I thought I would overshare some more.
It is a well known fact (now) that I was somewhat on the portly side in my youth. This was due to a combination of eating quite unhealthily and a complete distrust of physical activity. How could moving away from the TV screen be a good thing for me? I was learning after all. It might have been learning how to be the most powerful man in the universe, or about the social structure of humanoid cats, but it was learning nonetheless. None of this fancy book learning (I was a teacher for a while, that's quite funny thinking about it. Boo! Down with school!).
Anyhoo, I would eat whenever and whatever I could. This led to some interesting choices in order to get a quick food fix. I was also an incredibly fussy eater that was unwilling to try anything new. Unless it was new flavour of crisps or a new form of confectionery.
5. Sugar cubes
In my youth I was often taken to seaside towns at the weekend. After playing X-Men in the arcade for far longer than I should we would go to a local cafe for a drink. In the middle of almost every cafe table was a little ceramic bowl of temptation. Two little cubes of refined joy sealed in a paper prison, waiting for me to release them into my greedy mouth. I would manage to eat at least three to four packets before my drink would arrive, which would probably have been a Coke. I needed the sugar you see.
It will come as no surprise that I had terrible teeth as a child and a hate/really hate relationship with the mobile dentist that came to my primary school. I can still see her face, judging me for eating sugar cubes. Rightly so as well.
4. Tomato sauce sandwiches
Now I was a very busy boy. I had lots of TV to watch and had to also fit in pretending I was Rambo by tying a bandage to each end of a cricket bat and pretending it was a machine gun. As a result if I was hungry I didn't have time to eat and that made me hangry. The solution? Squeeze a load of ketchup in between two slices of bread and call it a sandwich.
There is a reason that if you go to a sandwich bar or a Greggs that a Tomato Sauce sandwich isn't on the menu. The reason being that it is frankly disgusting and has no nutritional value. And most importantly NOT A SANDWICH!
3. Kendall Mint Cake
For anyone not in the know, Kendall Mint Cake was not a mint flavoured cake. It was a solid bar of sugar favoured as a quick energy fix by explorers or mountain climbers. It was not created to be eaten like a chocolate bar, even if was one of the chocolate covered ones.
I would happily eat an entire Kendall Mint Cake in one go. I did not need a quick fix of energy. What I needed was a regimented exercise plan and Ventolin.
2. A block of cheese
This has been mentioned on the podcast. On a Friday night my Dad would go skittling (I would also go skittling, although my version involved a big bag of Skittles) and my Mum would rent a film on VHS for me. The 80s. Now, the film was always one that was age inappropriate for a child going to primary school. King of the Kickboxers, China O’Brien, Bloodsport, you get the idea. I was slightly obsessed with low budget American martial arts movies. I even had Impact magazine delivered to the house. Sad little chubster.
Anyway, while watching these movies I would sit in the brown recliner that was in the living room drinking a whole pint of milk and chomping away at a whole block of cheese. Not a piece of cheese…a whole block. My bones must be like steel but my cholesterol must be killing me. A block of cheese would evolve into a whole family size bag of M&Ms as my taste matured. Like a mature cheese. By rights I should be dead.
1. Melted Cheese
What’s that you say? You don’t understand this one? What do I mean by melted cheese?
Melted cheese on something right? Wrong. Very wrong.
Well the words alone are better than the method. In my early teenage years I was still quite chunky. I had a terrible haircut thanks to the barbers I was taken to and was a physical mess. To add to this I was still lazy. My love of cheese was still lying dormant and one Saturday while home alone I microwaved a block of cheese and ate the gloopy creation like the saddest fondue party you could ever witness. I have no reasonable excuse for doing this. I just fancied some melted cheese. Why? Fuck knows! I am amazed that I am still alive.
Written by Mark