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5 80s acts that were terrible even by the standards of the 80s.

Ah the 80s. A great time to grow up. We had four channels to watch and everyone had the same TV experiences to share the following day at school or work. They were simpler times. But we shouldn’t look at the 80s through rose tinted spectacles. In fact take them off and smash them under your foot. It turns out that many TV/radio acts from that time period were awful human beings.

But we’ve heard enough about them, I’m here to list 5 acts that were terrible even in those simpler times. These acts have not had anything untoward revealed about them…yet.

1. The Krankies

Don't tell me this image doesn't freak you out a little bit.

Haha! It’s a cheeky little Scottish school boy and his Dad. Oh, it’s not his Dad? Just some guy he hangs out with? Huh, that’s weird. Wait, what? He’s not a cheeky little schoolboy but actually the man’s tiny wife? That’s even more weird. This relationship is highly questionable.

I hated the Krankies as a kid. I never found them funny no matter how many times wee Jimmy Krankie shouted fandabadozie at the camera. And that was a lot.

IT’S HIS WIFE! To be honest, I should have figured that out as a kid as Jimmy looked about forty. I was clearly quite slow.

Bet the man Krankie (I don’t care about his name) made her wear the schoolboy outfit at home all the time. Dirty mankie!

My mum met them once and said they were insufferable assholes. Seems right.

2. Jimmy Cricket

This picture was taken after his wellies were stolen from his garden. That or he's fondling invisible testicles.

Haha! He’s got his wellies on the wrong feet and he’s playing up to the stereotype that Irishmen are stupid. Oh the 80s, you cheeky scamp.

Jimmy’s catchphrase was ‘Come here, there’s more’ to imply that if you were to come a bit closer he would have 'more' jokes for you. He never did though did he. There was never really ‘more’ to his act. Oh, but he had a funny hat on. Oh Jimmy, you and your funny hat. If you type Jimmy Cricket into Google it will force the search to be for Jiminy Cricket. That is his legacy right there. There will be no more.

3. Stan Boardman

He's just said fokkers or is about say fokkers. Look at how pleased he is with himself.

Haha! Did he just say f**kers on live TV? Rude boy! No? He said Fokkers? Well, he might as well have called Des O’Conner a c**t and been more honest with his attempt at being controversial.

Stan Boardman was from Liverpool and hated the Germans. Well, I think that was the gist of his act. I remember him saying the word ‘Germans’ a lot in his funny accent. Oh it was funny.

A quick search online reveals that his Fokker joke is factually inaccurate anyway. Oh, and he has been known to tell racist jokes in his live set. The stupid racist fokker (f**ker).

4. Norman Collier

You would think he would do a sound check before going on stage.

Haha! His microphone isn’t working properly. He must be so annoyed. Wait, now he’s a chicken. And now his microphone isn’t working again. And…now he’s a chicken…again. Sigh.

THAT WAS HIS WHOLE ACT! Making the AV technician look like a dick and pretending he was a f**king chicken. The 80s allowed this bullshit on TV. That is not an act. I mean, to be fair he did the mic bit really well…for 10 minutes, but still…COME ON!

Look on Wikipedia, that is all that is listed for why he was famous. At least unlike most comedians of the time he was child friendly and never told offensive jokes, quite a rarity for the 80s. But, a chicken impression? On prime time TV? Jesus!

May he rest in peace.

5. Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog

It's not mine officer, it's the dogs I swear. It's a real dog. IT'LL SPIT YOUR FACE OFF!

Haha! His fake dog is spitting at people while he chastises what is essentially his arm covered in felt. I can’t wait for when the dog starts talking. What? This is it?

Bob Carolgees made a career of not being able to be a ventriloquist. He clearly bought the puppet, gave it a go and then thought ‘Fuck it! I’ll just make it gob at people instead.’

It is the laziest puppet act ever. I know what you’re thinking, Rod Hull didn’t make Emu speak. That is true, but Rod Hull had a physicality in his act that should be admired. Bob just stood there in a shell suit jacket making a frankly manky looking puppet spit in kids faces. Why do you hate kids so much Bob? Don’t blame them because you can’t throw your voice.

According to Wikipedia he also had a puppet called Cough the Cat. Way to diversify Bob.

There you have it. 5 80s acts that were shit even by 80s standards. But we all had to watch it all because TV was limited. Thank f**k for Sky TV, Netflix, Amazon Prime etc. We are now truly blessed. I love TV. I’m like Mike TV from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in that respect. And one other. Try and guess what it is.

Written by Mark

©whenwagonwheelswerebigger 2018

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